Goodbye, BJ

Tomorrow the vet comes to put down Bj, my 27 year-old appendix quarter horse.  I got him for free from a man named Perry Schrader.  He was one of the last two horses in Perry's polo horse string.  This was about ten years ago.  He had streams of dried diarrhea all over his hind end and looked terrible.  A friend of mine had ridden him a few weeks earlier and said that he was still sound and rideable, so I agreed to take him. 

He became my lesson horse, although he could be challenging to those who thought they knew it all.  Often kind and gentle with kids but a handful when ridden out on trail rides.  Once I went on a trail ride with two of my friends and we ended up in a budding housing subdivision.  The land had been worked over into smooth perfect home sites but no concrete marred the surface.  It begged for speed and Bj could barely contain himself.  At times his polo-pony past came back and he would just want to run.  So I opened him up, let him have free rein and he took off, passing both of the other, younger horses.  His long legs, plagued by arthritis, were stiff but still propelled us forward.  Once he began to move it was difficult to stop so we ran and  ran.  Finally I slowed him down but he seemed barely tired. 

I have to write this today because tomorrow I will be too sad.  Better to remember him now, while he is still out there grazing.  The thing is, this is the first of my horses to go.  I have been witness to the passing of many other horses over the years, and while working at the ranch we seemed to put down one a year.  Four horses were put down in my time there, all elderly and at the end of their life.  Some horses I saw passed were only foals and those are the most difficult of all.  Still, they weren't mine and I didn't have to make the decision that it was time.

  Bj was old when I got him.  He was already retired in a large sense at 18 years.  About 6 years ago he started to get very thin and rough looking.  The vet told me he might not make it through the winter and to increase his grain, a LOT.  The change in food helped him and he gained weight and made it long past that winter though he always needed large amounts of grain to keep weight on.  For many years I would think, "be prepared, Cari, this could be it".  So I was mentally prepared to lose him many times but he never let me down.  




A few years back we moved to Rifle and his riding days tapered off.  He had a herd of two mares that he protected fiercly from the other gelding, Snickers.  Snickers also got two mares, so I deemed it fair.  We got him a blanket and every winter he was blanketed and warm.  He stopped moving so much or so fast. He rarely trotted any more.  But Bj has a spirit, kind of a cantankerous but humorous nature.  He liked to head butt people, hard. He nearly head-butted me into the water tank on one occasion. He would pull the reins out of your hands when you rode him by tossing his head irritatingly in the air. If you didn't bring his grain quickly enough, he banged on the gate and hollered, yes hollered at you.   

Bj also assumed the right to break into the grain room whenever feasable and he felt no guilt over it at all.  When I first got him, he was boarded at the home of my boss.  He managed to turn the knob of a door, got into the barn and ate half a garbage can of grain.  Oddly enough, he suffered no ill effects from this - no founder or colic.  Over the years he has managed to sneak in or break in to the garage where the grain is kept.  He has eaten gobs, tons of grain and made huge messes by slopping half-eaten grain all over.  Other horses, when caught in the act, would at least make an attempt to look abashed.  Not Bj.  He acted as if it were his God-given right to be in there helping himself to the grain. When I catch him in the act, he slowly turns his head and looks at me briefly, then goes back to eating.  You must halter him and drag him out, you can't hustle him out. He has never colicked and never foundered. 

Bj could be maddening at times, but looking back it was always funny.  The time I remember most clearly was a night I arrived home amidst an awful storm.  It was getting dark quickly and the wind started to pick up drastically as I pulled in the drive.  Thn it became hurricane force wind with balls of ice stinging your face.  I decided to go ahead and feed the horses thier grain and then see if I could get the hay to them in the wind.  I ran out with the bucket to the horses in the shelter.  Bj always got fed first, so I went to pour the grain in the feed tub.  He stuck his head down in it and flung it away from me. I tried again, and AGAIN he flung the feed tub away!  This was his way of saying I was taking too long, usually.  So I made a third attempt and he DID IT AGAIN!!  I shouted so loud it could be heard over the wind that was tearing through my coat, "BJ GODDAMN IT!  STOP!" All the other horses stepped way back from me, right out into the storm and Bj looked up, surprised. 

He also had the weird habit of using his nose to throw his feed tub around after being fed.  I was never really sure what it meant or why he did it. I used to think it was because I had started or stopped giving him something in his feed, but in reality he did it at what I thought were random times.

Then there was BJ and Zac.  Zac is Doug's son and when we first met I gave Zac riding lessons on Bj. We started in the round pen where Bj always behaved and things went well for the first few lessons.  Then Doug decided that he would like to take Zac on a trail ride, so they headed out without me to ride around the property.  Doug learned to ride on a ranch and I learned by taking many riding lessons.  Certain things had been pounded in to me, like "never ever go over a walk when on the homeward stretch on a trail ride".  I guess I assume that others who ride have had the same things pounded in to them, too.  Doug had never heard this, however, and so when they were nearly home, he began to trot his horse and immediately Bj took off with Zac taken unawares.  Poor Zac fell off and though he was only bruised, it shook his confidence.  It took me months to get him any confidence on horseback. 

Zac brushing BJ while Luna tries to get in on the actions

The funny thing was, this was the first time Bj seemed to feel bad about taking off on someone.  Certainly the teenage girls who rode him with such over-confidence never got such apology from him when he took off with them at a full gallop in the arena.  I can't explain it, but I knew that he felt bad and he really loved Zac.  Zac was kind of wary of him and never felt comfortable riding him again.  But Bj always had a soft spot for him. 

 

Look at Bj's eyes as he stands with Zac....

  


Bj leans in close to Zac like he never does with me!



Bj was a part of our family for so long it will be hard not to see him at the gate every morning and evening, waiting for his grain.  Our trips to the feed store were mainly for his grain which comprised almost his entire diet.  In the past few weeks he has had difficulty walking, his hind legs not capable of propelling him in a straight line.

A few months ago I had a dream that Bj was standing in the back of a truck, covered in sweat and shaking.  I woke up and went outside and he was standing at the far end of the pasture, covered in sweat and shaking and not standing by his feed bowl.  When I went out to him I saw that he had been attacked, probably by "Angel", who is not always an angel.  She had kicked him all over, taking off peices of hide as high as his head.  I led him back up and fed him, but he wouldn't eat.  I had to move Angel and never trusted her with him again.  Then again, he may have started it and couldn't finish.  In any case, I think she may have fractured his leg and this may be what is causing his walking problems now.  We couldn't afford to have x-rays taken to find out, nor could we afford to do anything to fix it, not for such an old horse. 

Today, the day before the vet comes, two strange things happened.  The first thing was that Bj, who was grazing out in the yard with the other horses, came up on the back patio.  He has never done that before.  I went out and found him shivering, so I got his blanket and then Zac and I groomed him.  He let us love on him and clean him up.  Bella happened around the corner, saw us and then left again, as if to leave us alone. 

Then all the horses went back out to the pond pasture to graze.  They stayed out there all afternoon.  When it came time to feed,  normally Bj would be at the garage waiting for his food, but he was out by the pond. Zac called him and so did I but he wouldn't come in.  We went out and tried to get him to come up and he wouldn't budge.  I fed the other horses and Bella wouldn't eat her grain, either. This is very unusual as they both love thier grain.  Doug came out and tried to get him to walk and finally brought his grain out to him but he wouldn't eat. The really weird thing about all of this is that I had planned to have him put down in the pond pasture.  I feel like he knows what will happen and has accepted it.  I went out later and took some more pictures of him and said goodbye.  I am not sure if he will be alive in the morning, which is strange to say.  The past day or so he has acted as if he knew what I had planned and was prepared for it.  In a way it makes it easier to take, knowing that it is really time and he agrees with that. 

Bj in the pasture on his last night.  He wouldn't leave this pasture.

Oh Bj, you will be missed old man!  You have heart, and love to run.  You like to be noticed and you like causing trouble, as if this is your job here at the ranch.  You love your mares and you love your little boy.  I hope you love your "parents", too.  I am glad that somehow I have managed to keep you all this time, to make the end of your life easy.  It is time to say goodbye.  We will always love you and miss you!